Arthur Bovino — November 09, 2009

Sandwich Holy War

The following food adventure is told in the style of A Prairie Home Companion’s Guy Noir:

“A top secret lunch in a city that knows how to keep recipes secret, but on the fourth floor of AlwaysHungryNY.com HQ in the Flatiron District, one man tries to find the answers to food’s persistent questions. Fry Noir, Private Eye.”

I was eating cold Philippe Express when she entered the office, my colleague, The Gluttoness, a food reporter known for getting a scoop. She’d come from the side of town where when it rains hipsters don’t get wet, and when they do they look good. She was writing a story about two Shopsin’s sandwiches on the verge of holy war in the Middle Feast — the Jewboy and Jihadboy — which one was better? But there was a hitch: Kenny Shopsin.

“Everything was fine,” she said. “I was talking with Kenny about the Mets. I ordered the sandwiches and a few other dishes. He said my order was too big. When I said I was writing a story, I got the boot.”

The Gluttoness was AlwaysHungry, but she was still on Shopsin’s radar. “I want those sandwiches, Fry,” she said. “I want this scoop.”

This wasn’t a solo job. Since eating $500 of bugs my nerves were shot. I called The Hungry Goat.

The Gluttoness needed sandwich pictures for her story. But how? It’s an open restaurant with nowhere to hide or sneak a picture. We knew Kenny could blow. The Goat met me at the restaurant with a plan, “We’ll split up, order individually and take them to go.”